Hello Readers,
I'm officially not posting here anymore as someone came into my life and changed my thinking. I also had dropped out of school this month so next year I'll be pursuing private O levels. Thanks for reading my blog and this is goodbye.
Monday, 25 May 2015
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Why.
Why didn't you guys choose to throw me for adoption, why didn't you abort me? I'm so useless now, I don't feel like I even belong here in this family. I'm a burden. Why didn't you guys do that? Why?!
24/1/15
I'm so done with my life. My life is so full with problems. My nephew dropped from the bed and has a bruise on his cheek, it's all my fault for not taking care of him well. The thought of leaving my house is suddenly becoming so strong. I'm helpless. No one can help me. I'm starting to doubt myself, whether I should even be living in this world. I'm in such deep trouble now and I'm not afraid to get scolded nor get hit. I'm probably used to it. I am a burden, a useless burden for my family. I love them so much but I'm afraid I can't stay here much longer. If I leave one day, never come and find me, I'll be okay.
Thursday, 8 January 2015
YouTube
My YouTube that has my hobbies and some vlogging involved. https://www.youtube.com/user/xinyi676
Wednesday, 7 January 2015
7/1/15
It's finally the new year but nothing's changed for me. I don't even attend school now I'm so pathetic aren't I? I'm so useless, so not filial, I must be making my parents so upset and disappointed in me. Why am I like this? I don't know, I don't wish to be like this too.. I think I'm over-emotional, I listen to JJ Lin's music and I cry over them, even some Kpop songs too. I cry alone, I try not to show my sad feelings out to anyone, not even my family. I know it will worry them and I don't want that to happen. Actually crying has been a part of my life since childhood, but I had quite a good childhood considering the fact that I had freedom at a young age. I had cried countless times when I was young, crying because I got bullied, crying because every night I thought 'what if my parents died?' and I didn't want that to ever happen to them, I even said to God to let them live longer and to take my living years instead. I rather let them live longer than me dying faster, that's how much I cherish them despite me talking back to them every now and then. I cried when I had rejections/heartbreaks but I gradually start to not think about those since love isn't that important to me. Even now I'm crying, I'm a crybaby right?
I think I'm considered as an introvert even though I might seem so lively and happy around friends and basically everyone. I keep almost everything to myself and dealt them myself when I'm alone. I know I have a lot of good friends that's around me and I'm so glad that I have them. I cherish them too, I don't wish to lose them at all. I bet my teachers are so disappointed in me. I don't go to school, I score average in school. I've thought about quitting school and start working, but I know education's very important, it's all about the black and white papers. I've talked with my sister and she said if you can educate yourself and get good grades, why attend school? But it's not like that, there's rules in everything we do in our lives and I'm breaking the ones that involve school, by not attending them. I'm so going to get detention. I don't know why I started disliking school so much. Is it because I think too much? But I can't help it, I'm the type to over-think things easily. Where did the child me went to? I attended school and persevered in everything I did and scored an easy 219 in PSLE. But look at me now, being the bad one by not attending school.. I want to laugh at that thought but I can't, I'm so pathetic..
There have been several times where I thought of killing myself in so many ways, it's countless. But when I think about my family, I just don't really want to do it anymore. I guess you can say I'm a family type of person. But I feel like I'm a disappointment. I'm useless. I'm lazy. I'm rude. Why am I still living when I don't do good to the society, when I don't do things I'm supposed to do. So now as I'm typing this, I consider so many things, I consider whether to attend school, whether I should just give up on life and whether whatever I'm doing is right for me. It's so hard to live in this world, I actually prefer to live in the olden days then now to be honest. And to whoever's reading this, I hope you don't end up as me, live a good life, know that there are even more people that are not as fortunate as yourself. Thank you.
I think I'm considered as an introvert even though I might seem so lively and happy around friends and basically everyone. I keep almost everything to myself and dealt them myself when I'm alone. I know I have a lot of good friends that's around me and I'm so glad that I have them. I cherish them too, I don't wish to lose them at all. I bet my teachers are so disappointed in me. I don't go to school, I score average in school. I've thought about quitting school and start working, but I know education's very important, it's all about the black and white papers. I've talked with my sister and she said if you can educate yourself and get good grades, why attend school? But it's not like that, there's rules in everything we do in our lives and I'm breaking the ones that involve school, by not attending them. I'm so going to get detention. I don't know why I started disliking school so much. Is it because I think too much? But I can't help it, I'm the type to over-think things easily. Where did the child me went to? I attended school and persevered in everything I did and scored an easy 219 in PSLE. But look at me now, being the bad one by not attending school.. I want to laugh at that thought but I can't, I'm so pathetic..
There have been several times where I thought of killing myself in so many ways, it's countless. But when I think about my family, I just don't really want to do it anymore. I guess you can say I'm a family type of person. But I feel like I'm a disappointment. I'm useless. I'm lazy. I'm rude. Why am I still living when I don't do good to the society, when I don't do things I'm supposed to do. So now as I'm typing this, I consider so many things, I consider whether to attend school, whether I should just give up on life and whether whatever I'm doing is right for me. It's so hard to live in this world, I actually prefer to live in the olden days then now to be honest. And to whoever's reading this, I hope you don't end up as me, live a good life, know that there are even more people that are not as fortunate as yourself. Thank you.
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