9/12/14

haha. must be a long time since i've written here. well, i guess life's been pretty okay. except for now maybe. i've been thinking about this lately. how about leaving my house for good you know. not a bad choice nor a good choice. maybe wandering the streets should be my talent because i'm plain lazy. since i probably am unwanted in this house and also it can lessen the burden, i don't see why not just leave the house or just commit suicide to end things once and for all. it saves money right? that means it's good for my family correct? yes it is correct. so maybe, i should stab myself and bleed thoroughly in the bathroom with no one knowing so they wouldn't spend another money on me ever again. even when i'm dead, my body can just be tossed into the sea, never to be found again. imaginative mind, creative mind, i have those, they just give me negativity. i should probably die soon, world's too hard for me to handle.

bgm- save me - b.a.p

quote of the day. 10/11/14

"i'm strong yet weak and fragile at the same time." 

6/11/14

I hate myself for everything. I think I have a unique mind. My mind just works like that; thinking of negative things and so on. I was just as negative as when I was small, just less expressive. People don't know what I've been through. I've been through bullying, I've been through teasing or well, joking but it was definitely not funny, calling me a prostitude when I was just 11/12 years old. I never, well at least I think so, offended anyone that bad for people to call me a prostitude. I get it, I'm ugly. I don't have the confidence for everything. I'm worried about my parents leaving me, I'm worried about my school. I'm not attending school, and I know my teachers are pretty upset. I know it, but I can't help but not to go. I feel like I have a weird syndrome or illness that doesn't want me to go to school. I like school, just not the schedules. I like science, I want to learn more about it. But I don't attend school. I feel pathetic. I feel like I'm useless. I can never do anything well. I feel so bad that I feel like dying. I already think I'm dying inside. I'm sorry that I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for worrying you guys. I'm sorry for actually existing in this world. If one day you find me missing, don't bother to find me, I'm not worth it.There are a lot more people who are more worth it than me. I'm sorry for not attending school. I can't help it. I think I learn better at home than in school. But I can't really do anything about it. sighs. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts this year and the types of suicides are endless. But I guess I can't give up to the society, to the unfair world. It's because of these problems that makes someone strong right? I hope I can get more stronger mentally to overcome every obstacles in my way. But for the time being, I can't do it. I hope people can understand my situation; that even though I might seem like the happy girl I am outside, I'm actually a negative and lonely girl on the inside. To be honest, I really can't be alone. Thoughts will just keep flooding in and I'll just keep on thinking ahout negative thoughts. Which is why I try to accompany friends. When there is no music stuck in my head, all I think about is, my friends are gonna leave me, my grades are gonna fail me, everyone will look down at me. I can't help it, that's the way I am. I think a lot, I think too much. I guess I've talked to much, but this is goodbye.

21/10/14

I'm happy that there is a friend that will talk to me when I'm upset. He surprised me, really. Just texted me at night and asked if I'm okay and he knew everything. Great friend to have to be honest. Nick, if you're seeing this, it's great to have a friend like you. Okay this is getting a little cheesy but that's okay, gotta love him though, caring for friends all the way. 💕 (emoticons ftw.)

19/10/14

Really feel like quitting school, like I swear, if there is one thing I don't ever want to go, it's school. Why, you might ask? It's because of the freaking schedule, it's so full of schedules, it's like working except I don't get paid! Seriously, how can the government think that a child has to go through the schedules and manage to finish homeworks and projects at the same time? Dude, we have a life, we're not robots that do homework all day. We have a family, one that needs to bond with time, but us students don't have enough time. I hate school, I hate it so much I could kill myself because of it. No joke. It really upsets me how this world have become. I know I'm young, but I think of a lot of things. I think of society, how it treats us, how it manipulates us and so on so forth. Many people kill themselves because of society, stress, everything you can think of. I'm not one of them since I'm still living, but I can tell you that I'm one of those, who is at the edge of killing themselves. You might think, oh wow a kid that wants to kill herself, she should think through about it. I have thought through about it to be honest, I've thought about the different ways I can kill myself, like several deep cuts on my wrist and let it bleed while I'm just sitting on the toilet seat, locking myself in the bathroom, and then I die with no one knowing and until I'm cold and stiff, only a cold corpse laying there. I've thought through that I might write a death letter saying that I'll always love my family

and friends and even my teachers even when I die and I hope they'll move on and forget about me as time goes by, burn me into ashes and throw them into the sea, where I can finally be free. Maybe I might be happier then, not living in this cruel world but instead dying to have freedom. Oh the irony.

18/10/14 (2)

I've thought about why I'm always listening to music. Then I thought it through.. When I'm alone, I tend to always think too much, thus making my depression attacks appear out of nowhere. I guess I'm trying to distract myself from overthinking or something.. 

Also, being with friends. Seeking out opportunities to go out with friends, makes me forget all about my thoughts. I want to forget it so much, but I can't. I'll always end up overthinking and causing harm to myself. 

-End-

18/10/14

Finally did it. It did sting a little but I didn't even cut deep so it's fine. I think it won't leave mark anyways. Feels pretty okay though to distract the pain away. Always was a little scared of doing it but I guess not anymore. (Okay, a little)

17/10/14

Didn't attend for school three days this week but I've felt relaxation after a long period of time. Finally, I can relax and forget about school's schedule and stresses. It just made everything better by resting. Had time to actually dance after a long time. (Short post)

9/10/14

Financial problems, different kind of problems, we do experience it. At 15 years old, I have experienced financial problems. My phone bills, I have to pay for it, and I'm not even working. I have stress at starting to work at the age of 15 as my mom kept telling me, why aren't you working? Go and work. Pay your bills. 
Yeah, I guess that's kind of sad, school and work stress, oh well? Guess I'm supposed to meet expectations right? Living in this world, we're supposed to meet expectations right? That's kind of sad too.. Whatever.

School

I guess I've never really disliked school when I was in Primary School. I guess it's because I was the happy-go-lucky girl in and out of school. I was doing good in studies too, so it wasn't really stressful or anything. Furthermore, without actually studying for PSLE or Prelim, I aced the exams and got 219 as my aggregate. 

I went up to Sec 1 Express soon after and thought that it was quite alright and continued till now. But now, at Secondary 3, I feel like collapsing because of the workload I have. I'm not the only one in this, but I just dislike the amount of work given. People our age that has finished O levels in their country can apply for pilot, crime investigation and so on, but us? Pure torture. At Sec 3, my grades dropped. My Mathematics were never as good as when I'm in Primary School anymore. I got an A before and now an F9. I never expected that my standard would drop like that. I even represented school and went for a Mathematics Carnival when I was Primary 4 and got a gold trophy. But now, my grades are going down the drain, flowing away from me. I guess it's just me.. I dislike school now and the Singapore Education System that I want to migrate out of this country and go to Australia, UK or Korea to study. School here gives a lot of stress, and it emphasizes the grades instead of our talents. I just don't like it at all.

3/10/14

Today was quite a fun day. Finished exams but still have to retake two more papers, Chemistry and Mathematics. Kind of hope that I can get an A for Chemistry so Miss Izzati can treat me McDonalds. Yay! I guess this is kind of a happy post? 

Talked to Jovita on the way back home from EighteenChefs in Ang Mo Kio and I'm really happy she listened to everything I said. I told her that I have medium to severe depression and I have to take a blood test and that I might have anemia. She was really listening to everything and she told me that she would make me happy when I'm with her. And that we can hang out in China during the trip this November. Even though we got off from a rough start in Sec 1, we still became good friends in Sec 2. I guess she's the one I can talk to without really crying? I'm really thankful and grateful to her and omg I'm gonna cry TT^TT.. Emotional side of me is slowly coming out. When I said that I might have a coma or die if I actually have severe anemia she was like, omg don't like that. Haha, I guess she's a really good friend and she socializes well unlike me, an awkward turtle... She was so shocked when I told her about those things including the times I almost fainted, she was like omgggg :O

 I guess telling people some things is okay, since I always coop up my feeling inside me. Now I have someone to talk to! Okay done for the post, goodbye.

2/10/14

I've had enough of everything, you said. I should be the one saying that. You have a responsibility as a parent to bring your child to the school, but no, all the responsibilities are pushed to me. Hello? I have school, I have exams. I would love to work, but I am not. You gave the home some money, you have to bring up a child, I get it. But you gave birth to it, not me. I don't really have to take care of it at all to be honest. If you have some time management, maybe you would have brought him to his school. If you can't bring up this child then why give birth to it then? Knowing that it is gonna be hard being a single mother, but you still gave birth to him. Why? If you're going to be breaking down like that, and pushing the responsibilities to me, then I quit. I rather not live at this house and have an extra weight on my back than to actually live in this home. I am the youngest, but amongst my siblings,I think I'm the most mature. I don't usually kid around, but I stay cooped up in my room. As the youngest I have to do everything, cleaning the pee and poop of my dog, helping my grandmother, taking care of a child, helping to do almost everything. I also have studies, my own lovely hobbies that I can't even do, now that exams have started. I jut can't wait till I'm working so that I can move out of the house, live with my friends or even better, migrate to Australia or Korea. I have stress as well, even if I don't show it. Don't think that you're the only one that has stress, I'm human too. Being the youngest really sucks for me, I despise it. If I made my sister cry, I'm at fault. Then if I cry? You don't even know. What life is for me, is just a world of challenging problems, situations that we have to solve. It's not easy, I know. Which is why I think I'm slowly falling apart. Falling apart is easier than solving problems, which is why I'm doing it now. But falling apart is harder to get back up, so I'm just basically in a lot of shit now. Things don't really go with my favour, I just get thrown every so often. Friends leave me, it's a natural cycle. I' not famous, like some of my friends are, I'm just an ordinary human being that actually being alive or not, doesn't really matter to anyone. Even if I die, everyone will just move on. 

I went to the polyclinic last Friday because of my dizziness and fatigue. The doctor told me that either I have to take a blood test, or no medication. Of course I took the no medication one, because I'm scared of the blood test and the results. Imagine I have anemia like I've always expected I have, wow wouldn't I be a psychic? Well, maybe if I have anemia would be better right? If I have a severe one, I can actually die without any regrets. I can actually die without going to hell from suicide, isn't that great? "Complications from anemia can range from loss of productivity due to weakness and fatigue to coma and death." -umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/condition/anemia
Then I would die happily, yes? Hm, enough writing for now, need to get going for school. Goodbye.

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

28/9/14

I can feel my health deteriorating slowly. Because of the second hand smoke or not. If my health is really going down slowly, why can't god take one's life away if one's life is ending anyway? Living in the real world while being sick of life is just bad. Sick of life yet can't take her life away with her own decisions. Don't you think it's cruel for someone to live on this world but for them to feel like a total useless person or that the person feels like she's half alive? It's really sad.. Really.. It's like the person's life is just barely holding on to a piece of string that is going to snap soon enough. 

Dying.. It really is a part of my mind nowadays.. Feeling empty, useless, just not worthy of living, all are just floating endlessly in my mind.. I've thought about what they should do once I'm dead. Probably writing a letter stating not to have a funeral and save up the money to do something else, and just scatter my ashes into the sea so I can roam around the world using the sea waves. That wouldn't be a bad idea, would it? To roam around the world without any worries.. I don't even need to spend money! Be strong they said, I'm trying.. I hope everything ends up okay because I don't like people worrying over small matters like me, because I don't feel worthy of their worries. Time to end of here, thanks for reading.

My Dreams

My dream has always been to become a Forensic Pathologist so that I can solve crimes and collect evidence to go against any bad case. I've watched several forensic dramas to know about how they do the evidence collecting and etc. But now I have another dream, it is to become a KPOP idol so that I can do what I like to do most of the time. But I know that this two paths are not easy to get to. 

A Forensic Pathologist needs to climb his way up using his grades (Degree, Masters etc.) and he needs to gain experience by being a small assistant by the side and then to become a big Forensic Pathologist. A Forensic Pathologist also needs to work out how the murderer actually killed the victims and how the body corrode and etc. It is a very difficult job to most people.

A KPOP idol needs to have talents so that he can audition to become a trainee in the Korean company. Companies look at talents and sometimes visual in order to pass the audition. The contract that they give also have terms and conditions that one might not accept. The company's staff might make really bad mistakes like driving on a slippery road on a rainy night and car accidents just occurs like that, mistakes. It is also a quite a difficult job.

So these are my dreams that might or might not come true, but either ways, I'll still post up videos on my YouTube about some issues and KPOP covers too.

26/9/14

I've cried because of what I thought. I thought about that time on May 2014 during the parent teacher meeting.. I was the person that can actually make my parents proud of my results. I'm the only child that has gone into Express this far and I can't help but to think, 'What if I am going to disappoint them?'. Now it's the End Of Year exams and I know I won't be able to pass my Mathematics.. I've mostly failed all of my tests and exams on Maths and I don't know why but I feel that I'll be really disappointed with myself if I retain Secondary 3 Express. Maybe I have high expectations of myself, I don't really know since I don't understand myself either. I've cried so much in the past month that my emotions are in a wreck. I get emotional really easily and I hate to show my weak side towards people. I absolutely hate crying in front of people so that's why I cry in my blankets at night or in the shower where no one can see me.. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes and I keep thinking which way is good end of my life easier and painless.. I no longer find my hobby, dancing, fun anymore.. I just feel really weak and would rather stop everything and end my life. I rarely even attend schools anymore because I despise Singapore's Education but my sister encourages me to at east attend school for 3 to 4 days out of the 5 school days. I'm so tired of the workload that teachers give and the amount of time one has to give to the school. I've always kept my feelings inside my heart so that I don't worry my family and friends but some of them know now.. I feel like I'm such a burden.. *sighs* 

Will things get better in the future?..

Welcome

Hi everyone, I'm Cindy and this is my blog about my story. My story that is to be posted here will be all about me and that this is where I vent my emotions. Please do understand.