21/10/14

I'm happy that there is a friend that will talk to me when I'm upset. He surprised me, really. Just texted me at night and asked if I'm okay and he knew everything. Great friend to have to be honest. Nick, if you're seeing this, it's great to have a friend like you. Okay this is getting a little cheesy but that's okay, gotta love him though, caring for friends all the way. 💕 (emoticons ftw.)

19/10/14

Really feel like quitting school, like I swear, if there is one thing I don't ever want to go, it's school. Why, you might ask? It's because of the freaking schedule, it's so full of schedules, it's like working except I don't get paid! Seriously, how can the government think that a child has to go through the schedules and manage to finish homeworks and projects at the same time? Dude, we have a life, we're not robots that do homework all day. We have a family, one that needs to bond with time, but us students don't have enough time. I hate school, I hate it so much I could kill myself because of it. No joke. It really upsets me how this world have become. I know I'm young, but I think of a lot of things. I think of society, how it treats us, how it manipulates us and so on so forth. Many people kill themselves because of society, stress, everything you can think of. I'm not one of them since I'm still living, but I can tell you that I'm one of those, who is at the edge of killing themselves. You might think, oh wow a kid that wants to kill herself, she should think through about it. I have thought through about it to be honest, I've thought about the different ways I can kill myself, like several deep cuts on my wrist and let it bleed while I'm just sitting on the toilet seat, locking myself in the bathroom, and then I die with no one knowing and until I'm cold and stiff, only a cold corpse laying there. I've thought through that I might write a death letter saying that I'll always love my family

and friends and even my teachers even when I die and I hope they'll move on and forget about me as time goes by, burn me into ashes and throw them into the sea, where I can finally be free. Maybe I might be happier then, not living in this cruel world but instead dying to have freedom. Oh the irony.

18/10/14 (2)

I've thought about why I'm always listening to music. Then I thought it through.. When I'm alone, I tend to always think too much, thus making my depression attacks appear out of nowhere. I guess I'm trying to distract myself from overthinking or something.. 

Also, being with friends. Seeking out opportunities to go out with friends, makes me forget all about my thoughts. I want to forget it so much, but I can't. I'll always end up overthinking and causing harm to myself. 

-End-

18/10/14

Finally did it. It did sting a little but I didn't even cut deep so it's fine. I think it won't leave mark anyways. Feels pretty okay though to distract the pain away. Always was a little scared of doing it but I guess not anymore. (Okay, a little)

17/10/14

Didn't attend for school three days this week but I've felt relaxation after a long period of time. Finally, I can relax and forget about school's schedule and stresses. It just made everything better by resting. Had time to actually dance after a long time. (Short post)

9/10/14

Financial problems, different kind of problems, we do experience it. At 15 years old, I have experienced financial problems. My phone bills, I have to pay for it, and I'm not even working. I have stress at starting to work at the age of 15 as my mom kept telling me, why aren't you working? Go and work. Pay your bills. 
Yeah, I guess that's kind of sad, school and work stress, oh well? Guess I'm supposed to meet expectations right? Living in this world, we're supposed to meet expectations right? That's kind of sad too.. Whatever.

School

I guess I've never really disliked school when I was in Primary School. I guess it's because I was the happy-go-lucky girl in and out of school. I was doing good in studies too, so it wasn't really stressful or anything. Furthermore, without actually studying for PSLE or Prelim, I aced the exams and got 219 as my aggregate. 

I went up to Sec 1 Express soon after and thought that it was quite alright and continued till now. But now, at Secondary 3, I feel like collapsing because of the workload I have. I'm not the only one in this, but I just dislike the amount of work given. People our age that has finished O levels in their country can apply for pilot, crime investigation and so on, but us? Pure torture. At Sec 3, my grades dropped. My Mathematics were never as good as when I'm in Primary School anymore. I got an A before and now an F9. I never expected that my standard would drop like that. I even represented school and went for a Mathematics Carnival when I was Primary 4 and got a gold trophy. But now, my grades are going down the drain, flowing away from me. I guess it's just me.. I dislike school now and the Singapore Education System that I want to migrate out of this country and go to Australia, UK or Korea to study. School here gives a lot of stress, and it emphasizes the grades instead of our talents. I just don't like it at all.

3/10/14

Today was quite a fun day. Finished exams but still have to retake two more papers, Chemistry and Mathematics. Kind of hope that I can get an A for Chemistry so Miss Izzati can treat me McDonalds. Yay! I guess this is kind of a happy post? 

Talked to Jovita on the way back home from EighteenChefs in Ang Mo Kio and I'm really happy she listened to everything I said. I told her that I have medium to severe depression and I have to take a blood test and that I might have anemia. She was really listening to everything and she told me that she would make me happy when I'm with her. And that we can hang out in China during the trip this November. Even though we got off from a rough start in Sec 1, we still became good friends in Sec 2. I guess she's the one I can talk to without really crying? I'm really thankful and grateful to her and omg I'm gonna cry TT^TT.. Emotional side of me is slowly coming out. When I said that I might have a coma or die if I actually have severe anemia she was like, omg don't like that. Haha, I guess she's a really good friend and she socializes well unlike me, an awkward turtle... She was so shocked when I told her about those things including the times I almost fainted, she was like omgggg :O

 I guess telling people some things is okay, since I always coop up my feeling inside me. Now I have someone to talk to! Okay done for the post, goodbye.

2/10/14

I've had enough of everything, you said. I should be the one saying that. You have a responsibility as a parent to bring your child to the school, but no, all the responsibilities are pushed to me. Hello? I have school, I have exams. I would love to work, but I am not. You gave the home some money, you have to bring up a child, I get it. But you gave birth to it, not me. I don't really have to take care of it at all to be honest. If you have some time management, maybe you would have brought him to his school. If you can't bring up this child then why give birth to it then? Knowing that it is gonna be hard being a single mother, but you still gave birth to him. Why? If you're going to be breaking down like that, and pushing the responsibilities to me, then I quit. I rather not live at this house and have an extra weight on my back than to actually live in this home. I am the youngest, but amongst my siblings,I think I'm the most mature. I don't usually kid around, but I stay cooped up in my room. As the youngest I have to do everything, cleaning the pee and poop of my dog, helping my grandmother, taking care of a child, helping to do almost everything. I also have studies, my own lovely hobbies that I can't even do, now that exams have started. I jut can't wait till I'm working so that I can move out of the house, live with my friends or even better, migrate to Australia or Korea. I have stress as well, even if I don't show it. Don't think that you're the only one that has stress, I'm human too. Being the youngest really sucks for me, I despise it. If I made my sister cry, I'm at fault. Then if I cry? You don't even know. What life is for me, is just a world of challenging problems, situations that we have to solve. It's not easy, I know. Which is why I think I'm slowly falling apart. Falling apart is easier than solving problems, which is why I'm doing it now. But falling apart is harder to get back up, so I'm just basically in a lot of shit now. Things don't really go with my favour, I just get thrown every so often. Friends leave me, it's a natural cycle. I' not famous, like some of my friends are, I'm just an ordinary human being that actually being alive or not, doesn't really matter to anyone. Even if I die, everyone will just move on. 

I went to the polyclinic last Friday because of my dizziness and fatigue. The doctor told me that either I have to take a blood test, or no medication. Of course I took the no medication one, because I'm scared of the blood test and the results. Imagine I have anemia like I've always expected I have, wow wouldn't I be a psychic? Well, maybe if I have anemia would be better right? If I have a severe one, I can actually die without any regrets. I can actually die without going to hell from suicide, isn't that great? "Complications from anemia can range from loss of productivity due to weakness and fatigue to coma and death." -umm.edu/health/medical/altmed/condition/anemia
Then I would die happily, yes? Hm, enough writing for now, need to get going for school. Goodbye.

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html

Not getting enough oxygen can result in a lack of energy, shortness of breath, trouble concentrating, pale skin, fast heartbeat and depression. Depression may not be a direct result of anemia, but rather an indirect result due to how tired and worn out the person may feel.

Read more : http://www.ehow.com/facts_5628030_anemia-cause-depression_.html