I can feel my health deteriorating slowly. Because of the second hand smoke or not. If my health is really going down slowly, why can't god take one's life away if one's life is ending anyway? Living in the real world while being sick of life is just bad. Sick of life yet can't take her life away with her own decisions. Don't you think it's cruel for someone to live on this world but for them to feel like a total useless person or that the person feels like she's half alive? It's really sad.. Really.. It's like the person's life is just barely holding on to a piece of string that is going to snap soon enough.
Dying.. It really is a part of my mind nowadays.. Feeling empty, useless, just not worthy of living, all are just floating endlessly in my mind.. I've thought about what they should do once I'm dead. Probably writing a letter stating not to have a funeral and save up the money to do something else, and just scatter my ashes into the sea so I can roam around the world using the sea waves. That wouldn't be a bad idea, would it? To roam around the world without any worries.. I don't even need to spend money! Be strong they said, I'm trying.. I hope everything ends up okay because I don't like people worrying over small matters like me, because I don't feel worthy of their worries. Time to end of here, thanks for reading.
Sunday, 28 September 2014
Friday, 26 September 2014
My Dreams
My dream has always been to become a Forensic Pathologist so that I can solve crimes and collect evidence to go against any bad case. I've watched several forensic dramas to know about how they do the evidence collecting and etc. But now I have another dream, it is to become a KPOP idol so that I can do what I like to do most of the time. But I know that this two paths are not easy to get to.
A Forensic Pathologist needs to climb his way up using his grades (Degree, Masters etc.) and he needs to gain experience by being a small assistant by the side and then to become a big Forensic Pathologist. A Forensic Pathologist also needs to work out how the murderer actually killed the victims and how the body corrode and etc. It is a very difficult job to most people.
A KPOP idol needs to have talents so that he can audition to become a trainee in the Korean company. Companies look at talents and sometimes visual in order to pass the audition. The contract that they give also have terms and conditions that one might not accept. The company's staff might make really bad mistakes like driving on a slippery road on a rainy night and car accidents just occurs like that, mistakes. It is also a quite a difficult job.
So these are my dreams that might or might not come true, but either ways, I'll still post up videos on my YouTube about some issues and KPOP covers too.
A Forensic Pathologist needs to climb his way up using his grades (Degree, Masters etc.) and he needs to gain experience by being a small assistant by the side and then to become a big Forensic Pathologist. A Forensic Pathologist also needs to work out how the murderer actually killed the victims and how the body corrode and etc. It is a very difficult job to most people.
A KPOP idol needs to have talents so that he can audition to become a trainee in the Korean company. Companies look at talents and sometimes visual in order to pass the audition. The contract that they give also have terms and conditions that one might not accept. The company's staff might make really bad mistakes like driving on a slippery road on a rainy night and car accidents just occurs like that, mistakes. It is also a quite a difficult job.
So these are my dreams that might or might not come true, but either ways, I'll still post up videos on my YouTube about some issues and KPOP covers too.
26/9/14
I've cried because of what I thought. I thought about that time on May 2014 during the parent teacher meeting.. I was the person that can actually make my parents proud of my results. I'm the only child that has gone into Express this far and I can't help but to think, 'What if I am going to disappoint them?'. Now it's the End Of Year exams and I know I won't be able to pass my Mathematics.. I've mostly failed all of my tests and exams on Maths and I don't know why but I feel that I'll be really disappointed with myself if I retain Secondary 3 Express. Maybe I have high expectations of myself, I don't really know since I don't understand myself either. I've cried so much in the past month that my emotions are in a wreck. I get emotional really easily and I hate to show my weak side towards people. I absolutely hate crying in front of people so that's why I cry in my blankets at night or in the shower where no one can see me.. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes and I keep thinking which way is good end of my life easier and painless.. I no longer find my hobby, dancing, fun anymore.. I just feel really weak and would rather stop everything and end my life. I rarely even attend schools anymore because I despise Singapore's Education but my sister encourages me to at east attend school for 3 to 4 days out of the 5 school days. I'm so tired of the workload that teachers give and the amount of time one has to give to the school. I've always kept my feelings inside my heart so that I don't worry my family and friends but some of them know now.. I feel like I'm such a burden.. *sighs*
Will things get better in the future?..
Will things get better in the future?..
Welcome
Hi everyone, I'm Cindy and this is my blog about my story. My story that is to be posted here will be all about me and that this is where I vent my emotions. Please do understand.
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