26/9/14

I've cried because of what I thought. I thought about that time on May 2014 during the parent teacher meeting.. I was the person that can actually make my parents proud of my results. I'm the only child that has gone into Express this far and I can't help but to think, 'What if I am going to disappoint them?'. Now it's the End Of Year exams and I know I won't be able to pass my Mathematics.. I've mostly failed all of my tests and exams on Maths and I don't know why but I feel that I'll be really disappointed with myself if I retain Secondary 3 Express. Maybe I have high expectations of myself, I don't really know since I don't understand myself either. I've cried so much in the past month that my emotions are in a wreck. I get emotional really easily and I hate to show my weak side towards people. I absolutely hate crying in front of people so that's why I cry in my blankets at night or in the shower where no one can see me.. I have suicidal thoughts sometimes and I keep thinking which way is good end of my life easier and painless.. I no longer find my hobby, dancing, fun anymore.. I just feel really weak and would rather stop everything and end my life. I rarely even attend schools anymore because I despise Singapore's Education but my sister encourages me to at east attend school for 3 to 4 days out of the 5 school days. I'm so tired of the workload that teachers give and the amount of time one has to give to the school. I've always kept my feelings inside my heart so that I don't worry my family and friends but some of them know now.. I feel like I'm such a burden.. *sighs* 

Will things get better in the future?..